Intro

When caring for someone with dementia, communication can become increasingly challenging as the disease progresses. Words and phrases that may seem harmless to us can unintentionally cause confusion, frustration, or emotional distress for individuals with dementia. Understanding what not to say—and why—is crucial for maintaining dignity and fostering a supportive environment. This article will highlight common phrases that should be avoided, offering alternative approaches to communicate more effectively and compassionately with your loved one. By choosing your words carefully, you can help create a more positive and respectful experience for both you and the person in your care.

1. Don’t you remember?   
   Asking someone with dementia, "Don’t you remember?" can be unintentionally frustrating, especially when the individual is unable to recall the information you're referring to. Dementia affects memory and cognitive function, so it's not uncommon for loved ones to forget specific details, names, or events. Repeatedly asking this question can cause the person to feel embarrassed, self-conscious, or even upset, as they may realize they are forgetting things but can't control it.

   Instead of directly asking "Don’t you remember?" which might pressure them to recall something they can’t, try taking a more compassionate and understanding approach. You can gently guide the conversation by asking open-ended questions that invite them to share whatever does comes to mind, rather than focusing on a specific memory they may no longer have access to. For example, instead of saying, "Don’t you remember the trip to the beach?" you might say, "I was thinking about the time we went to the beach. What do you remember about that day?"

   Another approach is offering subtle reminders that allow them to fill in the blanks at their own pace. For example, saying something like, "Remember when we had that family gathering last year? It was such a special day." This gently prompts their memory without putting them on the spot.

   Fostering a conversation that doesn’t depend on perfect recall but rather on shared moments or feelings can help your loved one feel more at ease. It keeps the dialogue open, reduces potential frustration, and allows them to feel valued and respected, even if their memory isn't as sharp as it once was.

2. Let me do that for you.

   Autonomy is a fundamental part of who we are, no matter how old we get. It's that feeling of being in control, making decisions, and being able to do things for ourselves. When it comes to caring for a loved one with dementia or an aging parent, though, it can be really hard to know when to step in and when to step back.

   I’ve found that it’s easy to jump in to help, especially when I want to make sure my loved one is safe and comfortable. But I've also realized that trying to do everything for them can take away their sense of independence, and that’s something that can be just as important as physical care. Sometimes, when I’ve stepped in too quickly, I’ve seen how it can frustrate them, and I can sense their loss of dignity. It’s not always easy to watch them struggle, but I've learned that giving them the space to try things on their own—even if it takes longer—helps them hold on to that crucial sense of independence.

   I’ve had to remind myself that it’s okay if things take longer or if they need extra support. When I let my loved one try to do something themselves, even if I’m worried, it helps them feel like they still have control over their life. It might be something as simple as choosing what to wear, deciding when to take a nap, or trying to make their own breakfast. It’s these small acts of autonomy that can make a big difference in how they feel about themselves.

   Instead of jumping in with help right away, I’ve learned to ask, "Would you like help with that?" This gives them the choice—something so simple, but so important. Sometimes they say yes, and sometimes they don’t. But either way, I’ve come to realize that it's about respecting their choices, and that’s something I try to be mindful of every day.

   I know it can be hard to let go, especially when you want to protect your loved one. But seeing them feel capable, even if they need a little assistance along the way, is such a rewarding experience. It helps preserve their dignity and gives them a sense of pride. And in the end, it’s the little things like this that make a big difference in their emotional well-being.

   It’s about finding that balance—being there for them without taking over. I’ve found that it’s not just about caregiving; it’s about honoring who they are and helping them hold on to what makes them feel like themselves. Even in moments of difficulty, fostering their autonomy makes the care experience feel more fulfilling, for both of us.

3. “You’re wrong!”

   I've found that one of the hardest things in caring for a loved one with dementia is knowing when to let go of being right. There are times when my loved one insists it’s a different day—like when they’re absolutely sure it’s Tuesday, but it’s really Saturday. At first, I’d feel this strong urge to correct them. I’d think to myself, “They need to know it’s Saturday! How can they not remember?” But then, over time, I started to realize something important: correcting these small things rarely helps.

   I remember one day when my loved one was convinced it was Tuesday, and I was ready to correct them. But as I paused and really thought about it, I asked myself, “Does it even matter that they think it’s Tuesday?” The answer was no. It didn’t change anything in the grand scheme of things, and in fact, he or she could forget about it in just a few minutes anyway.

   I noticed that when I’d correct them, it would just lead to frustration for both of us. The argument would cause stress, and I’d feel bad for making them feel wrong. In those moments, I had to remind myself that peace and connection were more important than being “right.” What really mattered was that my loved one felt heard and at ease—not that they knew exactly what day it was.

   I also realized that correcting every little thing made them feel more confused and anxious, like they were constantly getting things wrong. That’s not how I want them to feel. So now, when my loved one says it’s Tuesday, I take a deep breath and let it go. It’s not about the day of the week—it’s about creating a calm, supportive space for them to feel safe and loved.

   This doesn’t mean I never correct things, but I’ve learned that sometimes, letting go of that little need to be right can actually make both of us feel better. It’s a shift in perspective. It’s about choosing connection and peace over proving a point. After all, the goal isn’t for me to be right—it’s for my loved one to feel supported, and for us to have as many stress-free moments together as possible.  Choosing peace, instead of needing to be right, make the caregiving experience so much more manageable and loving. It’s about letting go and focusing on the things that truly matter; love, patience, and understanding.

4. “Would you like to make plans for next week?”

   One thing I’ve learned while caring for my loved one with dementia is that time becomes an elusive concept. There are days when my loved one will ask, “What are we doing today?” or “When is the doctor’s appointment?” and I can tell that they’ve completely lost track of the days. It’s tough to watch because I know how important that sense of time is, but for them, it’s like everything is slipping away.

   What really helped us both was creating a central calendar—a simple tool to keep us both on track. Instead of asking, “Would you like to make plans for next week?” and seeing a blank look or confusion, I started showing my loved one the calendar. It’s a place where they can see the appointments, events, and even daily activities at a glance.

   I keep the calendar in a spot that’s easy for them to access, like on the fridge or on a big bulletin board in the kitchen, somewhere they’re bound to see it regularly. Each day, I’ll sit with them and go over what’s coming up. I’ll point to things like their doctor’s appointment or when a family member is coming to visit. I don’t ask them if they’d like to make plans anymore, because I know that’s too abstract—it’s easier for them to understand what’s actually going to happen next.

   Using a calendar has provided a sense of structure and comfort amid the confusion of dementia, offering a concrete point of focus when things feel overwhelming. By keeping the schedule simple and manageable, we’ve reduced stress and helped them feel more in control. The calendar eases anxiety by showing what’s next, providing reassurance and a much-needed sense of normalcy. Reviewing it together creates predictability and connection, transforming it from just a schedule into a vital tool for stability and peace for both of us.

5. “You seem fine.”
   Dementia doesn’t always look the way you might expect, and it can take time to realize what’s happening. The changes in your loved one can be subtle—misplacing items, forgetting words, or acting differently—and they may try to hide it out of fear or embarrassment. They might stick to routines or deflect questions, masking the symptoms in ways that are easy to overlook. Sometimes, a spouse or close caregiver unintentionally helps cover it up by stepping in to answer questions, manage tasks, or keep things running smoothly. They’re trying to protect their loved one’s dignity, but it can make it harder to see the full picture.
   This was certainly true with my grandparents. Grandpa covered for grandma for who knows how long, until grandpa had to go into surgery, and we started to realize how much he was covering what was really going on.
   Recognizing these dynamics takes patience, close observation, and a lot of love. It’s heartbreaking to realize these changes aren’t just normal aging, but once you do, it opens the door to getting the help, support, and resources you all need to navigate the journey ahead.
6. “You already told me that.”

   Repetition can be one of the most challenging parts of caring for someone with dementia for sure! I’ve felt that frustration firsthand. When they ask the same question or tell the same story for the fifth time in an hour, it’s tempting to point it out or remind them they’ve already asked. But I’ve learned that doing so only adds to their stress and confusion—it doesn’t help either of us. Instead, I’ve tried to embrace the repetition with patience, answering each time as if it’s brand new information.

   For example, when they keep asking what time their appointment is, I calmly say, “It’s tomorrow at 10 a.m.” every single time. It’s not easy, but I remind myself that they’re not trying to be difficult; they’re seeking reassurance or connection. Repeating themselves might be their way of processing, understanding, or simply finding comfort. Sometimes, it’s less about the answer and more about feeling heard. By responding kindly and without frustration, I can create a calmer, more supportive environment. It reassures them, reduces their stress, and strengthens our bond, showing them the compassion and understanding they need most in those moments.

7. “How have you been feeling?”

   Instead of asking, 'How have you been feeling?'—a question that can be difficult for someone with dementia to answer, as they may struggle to recall recent emotions or experiences—try making the conversation more personal and relatable. This question can sometimes cause confusion or frustration because they might not remember or be able to express their feelings clearly.

   Instead, share how you’re feeling or comment on the moment to create a sense of connection and comfort. For example, you could say, 'I’ve been thinking about how much I enjoy spending time with you,' or 'It feels so peaceful sitting here with you; it really makes me happy.' By focusing on your own feelings or the atmosphere, you’re inviting them to share the moment without putting pressure on their memory. This approach helps foster a positive interaction while showing them they’re valued and appreciated.

8. “You’re not making any sense.”

   When someone you care about has difficulty communicating, criticizing their speech—whether it’s pointing out mispronunciations, using the wrong words, or struggling to finish a thought—can hurt their confidence and make them feel hesitant to express themselves in the future. For someone with dementia or communication challenges, this can be especially discouraging and isolating.

   Instead, focus on what they’re trying to say rather than how they’re saying it. Show your support by nodding, smiling, or saying something like, 'I understand what you mean.' If they seem stuck, you can gently guide the conversation by rephrasing what they’ve said or asking a simple, open-ended question. This creates a safe and positive space for communication, helping them feel valued and supported. By responding with patience and warmth, you can boost their confidence and keep your connection strong.

9. “Do you remember me?”

   Asking someone you care about to recall specific details, like names, dates, or past events, can sometimes feel like putting them on the spot. It might come across as a test, leaving them feeling frustrated, anxious, or even embarrassed if they can’t remember. Instead of putting that pressure on them, try taking a gentler and more supportive approach.

   For example, instead of asking, 'Do you remember who I am?' you can say, 'Hi, it’s me, [your name]. I’m so happy to see you.' This helps them feel comfortable and removes any stress about remembering on their own. You can also create a connection by recalling a memory together, such as saying, 'I was just thinking about the time we baked cookies together—it was such a fun afternoon!'

   By reintroducing yourself or sharing a warm memory, you’re fostering a positive and relaxed interaction. This approach helps them reconnect with the moment, feel included, and know they are cared for, all without the fear or stress of being tested.

10. “You’re being difficult on purpose.”

    Dismissing behaviors as intentional when caring for someone with dementia can be really hurtful and counterproductive, and it’s easy to misunderstand their actions. I know it can be frustrating when your loved one seems to be acting out or not following instructions, but it’s important to remember that these behaviors are often not intentional. They are usually a result of the confusion, anxiety, or cognitive changes caused by dementia. When we see these behaviors as purposeful or defiant, it can feel accusatory to them, which can lead to feelings of guilt, frustration, or even sadness.

    Instead of reacting with frustration, try to understand what might be causing the behavior. Are they feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or uncomfortable? Sometimes, they may be trying to communicate a need, like pain, hunger, or discomfort, but they just can’t find the right words.

    For example, if your loved one refuses to eat, it might not be because they’re being difficult, but because they’re having trouble with the utensils or are confused about what’s on their plate. By taking a moment to consider the root cause, you can approach the situation with more understanding. Responding with patience and empathy, even in moments of frustration, not only helps them feel more at ease but also strengthens your bond. It shows them they are loved and supported, no matter what challenges arise.

11. Using words like 'bib' and 'diaper.'

    Instead of using terms that might feel negative or stigmatizing, like 'diaper' or 'bib,' consider using words that help preserve your loved one’s dignity and respect. For example, referring to 'protective underwear' or simply 'underwear' rather than 'diaper' emphasizes comfort and protection, not a loss of independence. Similarly, calling a 'bib' an 'apron' keeps things more neutral and less infantilizing, which can help your loved one feel more confident and in control.

    Choosing language that focuses on the practical aspects rather than highlighting their condition makes a significant difference in how they perceive themselves and their care. Calling something 'protective underwear' acknowledges the need for support without making them feel embarrassed or singled out, while 'apron' focuses on function rather than limitations.

    By making small changes in language, you help create an environment where your loved one feels respected and valued, helping them maintain their self-esteem and dignity throughout their care.

12. “Remember, she died last year, you went to the funeral.”

    Bringing up a loved one's death can be incredibly hard for someone with dementia, and it may put them into grief all over again. Your loved one might struggle to understand the permanence of death that can lead to confusion, sadness, or even fear. Directly mentioning someone's passing may overwhelm them, especially if they don’t fully understand why they’re upset.

    Instead of referencing their death, you can approach the situation with more gentleness and compassion. For example, you could say, 'It seems like you're thinking about [name] today. What’s your favorite memory of them?' This gives your loved one a chance to focus on the positive memories, which can be comforting and soothing. It helps shift the conversation from grief to a more uplifting, happy experience, without intensifying their sadness.

    By guiding the conversation toward joyful memories, you allow your loved one to feel connected to the person they loved in a way that is gentle, supportive, and respectful of their emotional state. This not only helps them process their emotions in a calming way but also creates a peaceful environment for both of you.”

13. “Do you want to [insert activity]?”

    Phrasing activities as a question, like 'Do you want to go to the kitchen for lunch?' can sometimes be confusing for your loved one. It can be difficult for them to process or answer the question, especially if they’re feeling uncertain or disoriented. The decision-making process can become overwhelming, leading to hesitation, frustration, or confusion. They might not fully understand what you're asking or may struggle to recall what they need to do next.

    Instead of phrasing it as a question, try offering a gentle, direct statement like, 'Let’s go to the kitchen for lunch.' This approach removes any ambiguity and provides clear guidance, making it easier for them to follow along. It helps reduce anxiety and confusion while giving them a sense of structure and simplicity.

    By offering a clear direction, you provide your loved one with a sense of security and routine. This small change can make a big difference in how they feel, taking away the stress of having to make decisions when they might not be able to. It also helps maintain their dignity and confidence, making the day smoother for both of you."

14. “What would you like to wear today?”

    Open-ended questions can often feel overwhelming for your loved one, as they may struggle with processing multiple options or making decisions. Instead of asking broad questions, try narrowing the choices down to just two options. For example, instead of asking 'What do you want to wear today?' you could say, 'Would you prefer outfit A or B?' This gives them a sense of control over the situation without overwhelming them with too many decisions.

    By limiting the choices, you help reduce confusion and frustration, allowing them to feel more confident and involved. It’s a simple way to offer them autonomy while still guiding the conversation in a way that’s easy to understand and follow

15. “Get your coat and shoes, grab your bag, and meet me by the door.”

    Complex instructions can be overwhelming for your loved one. It can be hard for them to process multiple steps at once. Instead of giving a long list of things to do, try breaking the task down into simple, manageable steps. For example, rather than saying, 'Let’s get ready for lunch, clean up the table, and then sit down to eat,' you could guide them step by step, starting with, 'Let’s clear the table first.' Once that’s done, you can move on to the next step.

    This approach helps your loved one focus on one task at a time, making the entire process feel more achievable and less stressful. By walking them through each step, you provide a sense of accomplishment and help them feel more confident, all while avoiding any feelings of frustration or overwhelm."

In conclusion, communicating with a loved one who has dementia can be challenging, but it’s also an opportunity to show deep love and patience. The words we choose matter more than we often realize, and by avoiding phrases that may frustrate or confuse, we can help our loved ones feel safe, respected, and heard. Instead of focusing on being right or correcting them, it's about connecting—offering kindness, understanding, and reassurance. Remember, caregiving isn’t just about managing the disease; it’s about preserving dignity, fostering trust, and showing your loved one that, no matter what, they’re never alone.

Additional Information:  If you would like more information on how to handle some of the more frustrating aspects of Dementia, I cannot more highly recommend Teepa Snow. Her videos can be found on YouTube and she is the pioneer of a more positive approach in dementia care.

Questions

1. What might be the underlying cause of frustration when someone with dementia repeatedly asks the same question or brings up the same memory?
2. What role does empathy play in our interactions with someone who has dementia, and how can we show it through our words?
3. How does the phrase "Do you remember?" impact someone with dementia, and why is it more beneficial to approach these moments differently?

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